im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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