Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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