I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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