I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
