that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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