So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
