i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
