the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
