Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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