Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
