but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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