totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
