Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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