Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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