I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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