You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
