At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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