Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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