I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my sisters under your porch take her home
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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