I puked a lego.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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