Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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