I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
