I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
