Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
