Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
