I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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