Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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