I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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