dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
