We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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