First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
