Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
