Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
