I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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