LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
