I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
