I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
