Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My penis needs a shock collar
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