Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
