Soap is not a condiment
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
