I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
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