you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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