we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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