Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
