3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
