im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
