i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
