I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
