fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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