You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
