Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
