One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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